The Adventures of Podge & Tubbs

As they weren’t due to sail until later that evening, Podge and Tubbs decided to head ashore but, this was Tenerife! Podge and Tubbs recalled their last two visits to the island (bearing in mind that that Santa Cruz de Tenerife is a port city) where they were constantly badgered by beggars asking for money as well as the overall feel of the local town going downhill in appearance. So all they actually did, was go through the terminal, step ashore, then turn back into the terminal, go through security and visit the local shop for crisps and chocolates (they did always like to try the local produce).

Once back on board, they returned to their cabin to stash their goods. Podge noted that the water had arrived but No Jamesons! What did arrive however was a scrummy bottle of bubbles delivered by way of apology for the boarding fiasco (gift of bubbly gratefully received and boarding issues confined to history – Podge & Tubbs are so easily bought). Goodies and bubbles stashed, they made their way first to Malabar to register for Muster Station then onto the Glass House for a drink or three and some Tapas before going back to the cabin to watch the ship sail out of Tenerife (scheduled for 21:00) armed with a glass, a very large glass, of Pinot. Before that time came however the captain came on the tannoy to say that there were still 200 passengers who hadn’t registered. So, 200 knobs who couldn’t be bothered to register with their muster stations (in accordance with Maritime Law) would be delaying us as the Captain said that “until they do, we ain’t sailing” (not the Captains exact words). The knobs very quickly complied and so, the Azura untied all the strings holding them still and sailed away from Tenerife.

Would one believe it, at 00:30, just as Podge and Tubbs were drifting off to sleep, The Captain came on the tannoy to say that the Azura was heading back to Tenerife. Sadly, it was due to a medical emergency, on their deck (not that that was relevant), and needed to evacuate a patient who needed urgent hospital treatment. 

Day 3 (See The Sea Day) – 15th March 2026

Once their thirst was sated, Podge & Tubbs returned to their cabin and yo, still no Jamesons. Just then the butler arrived bringing their selected fruit (it was the wrong fruit but not a big deal) so Podge asked once again for a bottle of Jamesons.

Podge is starting to think that the Butler doesn’t think Podge should drink Whisky.

Anyway, Tubbs made themselves a cup of tea while Podge checked the fruit that had been delivered and selected a handful of grapes and they both sat down to review essential in-cabin documents such as cruise brochures and on board shopping details such as duty free. This was where Podge got ‘clever’. The cruise they were on was a 20 night cruise but it did also consist of two separate cruises with the first cruise being just the 7-night Canary Cruise. Anybody on the 7-night cruise would be able to collect their duty free before leaving the ship while those on until Malta would have to wait until a couple of days before then. Podge decided he’d try it on and went and ordered a litre bottle of Jamesons to collect on the coming Wednesday 18th March.

So, off to Duty Free they went, down the lift course as they were now trying to keep their step count down 😉. Once there, Podge selected his desired bottle of of Jamesons or, as Podge prefers to call it, ‘Anti-Viral Medication’ and went to pay and arrange collection. The man behind the counter said he could collect it on the 31st March. Podge said “No, I need to collect it on the 18th”. The man said “Can I double check your card?” to which Podge said Nooooo in a pleading way. The man relented and Podge got his way. Podge now knew he would at least get his Jamesons by the 18th, with or without the Butler. 🥃

That evening was a black tie evening enabling them to dress up in their best Tuxedo’s and posh frocks (It’s so very rare to be able to do this any other time these days). As already mentioned feeding time would be in the Epicurean. Here it became evident how naive Podge & Tubbs were. They thought they knew what they wanted but it would seem that they didn’t.While Tubbs did quite well in ordering Roasted Red Pepper Parfait to start and Black Cod and Canadian Cold Water Lobster Tail with Avruga Caviar Gratin as a main she missed out the Cream of Celeriac and Italian White Truffle which she didn’t know she wanted (apparently Podge wanted it as well). Nilesh the waiter soon corrected her. Podge however didn’t do very well. He ordered Seared King Scallops and Scallop Tartare which was allowed then he tried to order Redman Limousin Irish Beef Fillet and Ox Cheek but was told that what he really wanted was Onley Grounds Farm 28 Day Aged Cote De Boeuf all with Green Asparagus x2, French Beans x2, Thick Cut Chips x2, and New Potatoes x2, in case Tubbs needed any as well. They didn’t dare order a dessert even though they were told they wanted Crêpes Suzette with Vanilla Pod Ice Cream all prepared at their table, they still resisted. It did actually turn out that what they had, which was actually a lot, was rather yummy and Podge’s food baby(Tummy) was feeling very, very full.

After all that [rather scrummy] food it was all they could do make their way to the Planet Bar directly above and find two comfortable seats where they could look out the window. Unfortunately it was night time so all they could see was themselves. The waiter brought over the drinks menu as somebody had nicked the one from their table but they knew what they wanted. Podge wanted a large Jamesons with 1-piece of ice while Tubbs wanted a Cosmopolitan in a special fancy coupe. Tubbs recognised that this was a waiter she would be able to train. Sure enough, her initial training had worked and her drink arrived in the correct glass, Podge didn’t care what glass his drink was in. After a couple of these, they asked for what was to become their regular bedtime drink (hereafter called their nightcap) of a large neat Jamesons (no ice) and a large neat Courvoisier (no ice). These would mix well with Lemsip and would help them sleep and stop any headaches: That’s their belief and they’re sticking with it.

And so it was, off to bed they went, clutching their nightcaps and using the lift (keeping their step count down) and eventually climbed into the yummy marshmallow bed and sat up to begin what was to become their nightly ritual of drinking their drinks while watching Father Brown or Death in Paradise on BritBox until one by one, they drifted off to sleep. Night night Podge. Night night Tubbs.

Day 4 (Madeira) – 16th March 2026

Having filled their tummies with an inappropriate amount of food (especially the fries) and alcohol they started to make their way back to the meeting point to get the shuttle bus back: There was no way that Podge would be able to walk all the way back to the ship and of course it would have increased their step count far too much. On the way back to the shuttle however, Tubbs did happen to look through a shop window and spotted a rather fetching pink shawl. So in they had to go and asked the man if she could buy it. The man said one moment, disappeared down some stairs into an underground do da and quickly returned with his arms full of shawls, all the same but every colour of the rainbow was there plus many, many colours in between. Tubbs selected the Pink Shawl, paid for it and off they went. Tubbs was one happy lady. The man in the shop however most likely had tired arms and legs.

They found the shuttle bus and were whisked off to the Britannia whereupon they re-boarded and made their way to their cabin but they didn’t get too far. They stopped at the Java Cafe as Tubbs had spotted some yummy muffins. They both wanted a yummy muffin each! Tubbs also wanted a Soya Flat White while His Podgeness asked for a Latte. Podge was told he didn’t want a Latte: As he was on the drinks package he should have an Irish Coffee. What do you get in that, he asks! Jamesons of course , said the waiter. Podge relented and had, and enjoyed, an Irish Coffee. Podge may have more of these. 😋

Eventually, before the ship sailed away from Madeira, their drinks were drunk, their Muffins were Muffed (is that a word 🤔) they both returned to their cabin for a much need lie down before they readied themselves for an evening in the Planet Bar. No eating that evening as they had already eaten ashore: No need to over-indulge is there 😋

Podge arose from his afternoon slumber in good time to relocate to the balcony to make sure that the Captain was doing a proper job in manoeuvring the Azura away from the allotted parking space, out of the harbour and setting course for Fuerteventura.

Day 5 (See The Sea Day) – 17th March 2026

Post dinner, off they jolly well went to the Planet Bar, where they found loads of their fellow passengers were queuing to get in. Podge and Tubbs don’t queue so down they went, using the lift the preserve their step count, to deck seven and made their way to The Glass House passing hoards of marauding passengers trying to get to where ever they were trying to get to and generally getting in Podge & Tubbs’s Way. Eventually however, they reached their goal and a friendly waiter helped them to their favourite stools at the bar whereupon the proceeded to consume many glasses of Breaky Bottom, all the time being supplied with glasses of water with Ice and a slice of orange. Podge was hoping that Tubbs would have many drinks and so be too tired the next day to go ashore. It turned out that he was so very, very wrong. They asked for their ‘nightcap’ then made headed back to the cabin for their bedtime drink and settled down into the marshmallow bed to whatever BritBox was showing.

Still no Jamesons!

Day 6 (Fuerteventura) – 18th March 2026

At Tasquita, Podge established base camp at a nice table outside and wasn’t going to move. It was a bit windy but it was sunny and that’s what counted. Fortunately, Tubbs agreed. They stayed for the obligatory bottle of wine which was accompanied with crisps and olives, and just sat there people watching. Eventually however Podge and Tubbs felt the draw back to the Azura.

Back on board, they stopped for a quickie at The Glass House before returning to their quarters, via Duty Free to collect a pre-ordered bottle of Jamesons, to rest and watch the Azura leave Fuerteventura. As they had no pre-arranged dinner plans they decided to have a meal in their cabin. On these occasions, Tubbs always has the P&O Club Sandwich and Podge has Omelette with Fries (they’re both so predictable). Podge did also order a bottle of Pinot Grigio to keep in the fridge for lazy sail away evenings. There was another reason for choosing to eat in the cabin and that was to see the butler again. When he did arrive, the Butler had still failed to deliver but not to worry as Podge Was Able To Show Off His Own Jamesons!. Podge felt he was the winner. Dinner arrived and was of course consumed with relish until the Captain came over the tannoy, it was coming out in the cabin as well. UhOh we thought. Now what. It would seem that Storm Theresa was heading into the Canaries bringing with it much wind, rain and, big, big waves. So the decision had been taken to cancel La Palma and head straight to the safety of Gran Canaria. This way we should be able to avoid any big seas though things might still get a bit bumpy. 

So, post departure and hunger sated and with some trepidation, Podge and Tubbs then made their way to the Planet Bar to while away the evening where their new favourite waiter kept bringing them Cosmopolitan’s (in Tubbs’s favourite glass) and Large Jamesons. As daylight evolved to nighttime and as such no longer to see outside of the windows, Podge and Tubbs switched to another favourite pastime, that of People Watching. They were so often fascinated at how people can be when on holiday. Why oh why do they come on holiday and then moan at each other and moan about their holiday! Eventually however, it was time to retire and so they asked the waiter for their nightcaps which duly arrived and they made their way back to their and that big marshmallow bed where they relaxed and settled into watching Death in Paradise – neither saw the end. It might even have been a bit bumpy in the night but they knew nothing of it.

Day 7 (La Palma, now Gran Canaria) – 19th March 2026

Hmmm, maybe their smugness over not really feeling any bumps in the night may have been a little premature as the Captain made another announcement. Today was another change to the change of plan. To be sure they continued to avoid the bad weather, though they hadn’t really seen any yet, 🫣 the Azura would depart Gran Canaria at 15:15 while the Iona would depart Tenerife and both ships would effectively swap berths. This would allow for the disembarkation of those passengers completing their cruise on the Azura either Friday or Saturday. 

So far, things had worked out well for Podge. Had they gone to La Palma as scheduled, Podge would have had to walk ‘all the way’ up the main drag to the Placenta Bar, it was actually called the Restaurante la Placeta, but obviously this was no longer possible. Furthermore, as they would only be in in Gran Canaria for s short while, visiting Puerto Mogán was out of the question so it looked like a restful day on board. How wrong could Podge be as Tubbs forced Poor Podge to walk to the nearby Mall so that she could buy yet another new top though she did at least treat Podge to 3-pairs of socks. Then, new top in hand for Tubbs and new socks in hand for Podge!, they made their way back to the ship to rest and drink some buds before an early departure. 

 

Eat, Drink, Sleep, Repeat