The Adventures of Podge & Tubbs

It all started around June of last year (2024) when Podge became aware of a lump in his tummy, but he kept putting off seeing anybody about it. Eventually however, Podge’s GP called him in for his annual LTCA (long-term care assessment) for his long running COPD and Heart Issues: Podge then took the opportunity, reluctantly, to mention it. The doctor told Podge to hop on the examination couch so that she could take a look. She laughed and told him straight away that it’s actually a Diastasis recti, a problem normally encountered by pregnant ladies though fat men can get it as well: Podge now refers to his fat tummy as his food baby. She (the doctor) did however suggest that, given his age, Podge had a PSA test: He declined her offer to do the finger up the bum test. So he had the blood test and went home to tell Tubbs how he was now an honorary pregnant person.

Within a couple of days the doctor phoned Podge to say that the PSA results had come back and were quite high and that he really should go to the hospital quite soon – Actually, the results came in at a level of 291, for a man of 70 and above, as Podge is, the level should be less that than 6.5. She then asked how Podge was feeling to which he replied that he had been feeling fine until she phoned!

Podge’s original Monday hospital appointment was cancelled on the Friday as the consultant was ill. It was rescheduled for the Wednesday.

As both Podge and Tubbs got to the hospital and climbed the stairs to the 3rd floor (got to get those steps up) all the fire alarms went off and they all had to evacuated, back down the stairs, for an hour (this was just for the wing/floor they were in). Eventually they were all allowed back in and Podge and Tubbs once again climbed the stairs to the 3rd floor. Then it got worse. The consultant that Podge was due to see was called out to the theatre in parallel to him also trying to arrange the transfer of patients to another Hospital: This caused another hours delay. Eventually, he returned and Podge and Tubbs were summoned. While in there, he (the consultant) took 3 calls on his mobile in between carrying out the finger up the bum test, Poor Podge really didn’t like that, then, casually telling Podge, as if cancer was an everyday thing to him, that the test results [almost certainly] suggested an Aggressive Prostate Cancer. This was kind of difficult to process at that moment. He now needed to arrange a 2nd blood test which would be followed by a bone scan and a CT scan after which they would get him back in and would be putting him on pre-hormone and then hormone tablets which, he was assured, can be very effective. Then the Consultant received another call on his mobile and that was that: The consultation was over as he dashed off with his laptop and was out of the consultation room before Podge & Tubbs could even standup to leave the room themselves.

Shortly after that visit and the 2nd blood test, Podge was invited back for a bone scan and a CT Scan. Podge was very excited as the Bone Scan meant a visit to the Nuclear Medicine department where he was given, what he assumes was a Radio Active Substance by injection which need to be given time to circulate: During this time he then went for his CT Scan where he was given another injection where he was told he might feel as though he’s wetting himself. Fortunately he didn’t wet himself. CT Scan complete he returned to the Nuclear Medicine department for the Bone Scan. Scan complete, he was told he must have ‘sit down’ wees for at least 24-hours and that he was to wash his hands thoroughly each time. He then went home.

It wasn’t long before the results came back. They confirmed the Prostate Cancer. It had moved into the Lymph nodes but nowhere else, so they put him on a course of blockers by tablets and quarterly injections (these are a form of hormone therapy used to treat prostate cancer). They work by reducing the levels of testosterone in the body, which can help slow the growth of prostate cancer cells. Unfortunately, these would give him frequent hot flushes and cause shrinkage of his ‘wheels’. Podge was becoming suspicious that they were trying to turn him into a woman.

Poor Podge.